I tense up to the unwanted thought of you.
Even though I fought for them not getting through the sealed down door I built for you
In the deepest darkest depths of my mind where I’ve hidden it,
hoping that I would not easily find it again.
This heavy wooden door is wrapped in chains and locks
and barricaded with distractions and happy thoughts.
But no matter how hard I fight,the thoughts of you always manage to find their way,
traveling by the speed of light, so fast that down there, in the deep dark depths, they become light.
And you see, there is a small crack between the door and the floor
where the light travels effortlessly through and into the room
unraveling all the tears that I have stored in there
where they hang endlessly as individual chandeliers from the ceiling.
Each one tied up in a delicate string of every feeling I never admitted I had for you.
They hang there silently.
Invasion of the dark room’s privacy the light invades and quickly trades the darkness with the most beautiful sight when it hits each crystal that then consumes the light and gives it back to the room.
I enter the door, stand in the middle of the floor,
and I can’t take my eyes of this wonder,
all around me, tiny little lightnings without their thunder.
The white light breaks into every colour unique little drops that hover around the floor, up and down every wall and across the ceiling.
So gracious and visually appealing.
But in contradiction to my intuition, I realise that the crystals radiate of gratefulness and appreciation.
For moments shared and discoveries made.
Despite that most, if not all of them, formed out of pure frustration, the question of if you ever even cared and the fact that I felt betrayed.
You see, even though I was sad and at some point maybe a little mad, standing here in this room, I’m actually really glad for this thing that we had.
Now that I have formed all the tears I realise that it wasn’t as bad as I had feared.
It made me grow.
So you weren’t exactly the Romeo I was looking for, but this gave me more at least more than I had before because now I’m closer to knowing what I am actually looking for.
So I break down the door,
the one I tried so hard to keep closed before.
The light trapped in every crystal grows and flows out of the room,
lightens up my mind, and with that my being.
So instead of fleeing them,
I’m freeing them.
Only to make me glow.
this poem was written and then performed at a Poetry Slam in 2017.